Since this is a blog about a mother and son journey through schizophrenia, I try stick to the knitting as much as I can and offer up anecdotes about our daily lives. Lately, I’ve posted more about external news and events. I haven’t posted much personal stuff recently because Chris is in kind of a holding pattern. He’s out most evenings during the week rehearsing for H.M.S Pinafore, and has another upcoming concert in celebration of Queen Elizabeth’s 60 years on the throne. “Land of hope and glooooryy, da, da, da, da, da, da.” etc.
On the week-ends, Chris can be found building props for “the Queen’s Navy”. He’s really enjoying the physical work. He’s decided to drop the weekly voice lessons for a while because he feels he’s not progressing. Fair enough.
But, he seems too serious these days. A bit sad. A bit nervous. I’m not sure what this means. I know he feels that he is spinning his wheels, but I also know he’s not ready to make any big life changes. Taylor, our youngest, will be graduating from university in May and has a job lined up beginning in August. Time is marching on, and Chris is a worried that he’s not in step.
Just stay the course, I tell myself. Chris will figure it out eventually.
What comes to mind with regard to Chris’s worries is: in step with what? With his peers? With society’s expectations? With his own agendas? Although each of these questions feels important, in the end they obscure the simple fact that we are living beings moving through life as it unfolds. There is no right or wrong way to be a person, though there are ways of acting that are kind and unkind, or productive and unproductive. Instead of allowing us individuality, our culture has taught us to judge ourselves by criteria that are highly demanding and inflexible. They offer us little room to be quirky, unique beings. They punish deviance and reward bland conformity. Usually, when a person feels ‘out of step’ the disconnect is more with cultural expectations than inner intuition or the True Heart. If your son is doing what feels right for now, then it sounds to me like he is doing fine. Of course, I’m not his parent or anyone’s parent, so I’m not well qualified to comment. But from this distance and my perspective, that’s how it sounds.
I think you’ve got it right, Will. I appreciate the way you see things. Parents tend to want children to meet their “milestones,” which may be code words for “get an income.” This journey has been humbling, indeed.